when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
