The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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