WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
