Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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