i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
too bad you live with your parents still
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
