I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
