nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
