Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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