I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
