i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
