is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
