dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
There are leaves in my underwear?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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