I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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