It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
