3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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