You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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