does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I think we might need a safe word for this...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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