I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Randomize
