Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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