Apparently you make a good broom.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
