my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
