Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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