Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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