wanna go halves on a baby?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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