Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
