I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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