i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
