if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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