im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
