I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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