Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
