Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
