She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He passed out mid-signature
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
