My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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