You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize