I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
