I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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