Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I think I just sharted jello shots
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize