Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
