i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
