my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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