I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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