I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
