I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
