Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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