U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Randomize
