I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize