dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
