i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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