I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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