if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I think I sprained my soul last night
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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