Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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