I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
