I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
