i was born a porn star she said
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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