wanna go halves on a baby?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
