He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
