i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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